Chol Moed Pesakh, 2001
Today is an equalizer. Peter arrived for weekday prayers with only a tallit. He and most of the men in the synagogue do not don tefillin as it is an intermediate day of Pesakh. As a non-Jew, Peter is not permitted to wear tefillin during weekday minyan. Tefillin increase the opportunity of Peter being mistaken for a Jew in quorum reckoning. Not wearing them makes him feel naked, but today, just like on a Yom Tov or Shabbat, Peter stands with the others—bare of tefillin. Today is an equalizer.
“Even maw’asu haboniym…” (The stone the builders rejected), recites Peter from the Hallel. He finishes this verse and then glances down to the following note in his ArtScroll Siddur:
Today is an equalizer. Peter arrived for weekday prayers with only a tallit. He and most of the men in the synagogue do not don tefillin as it is an intermediate day of Pesakh. As a non-Jew, Peter is not permitted to wear tefillin during weekday minyan. Tefillin increase the opportunity of Peter being mistaken for a Jew in quorum reckoning. Not wearing them makes him feel naked, but today, just like on a Yom Tov or Shabbat, Peter stands with the others—bare of tefillin. Today is an equalizer.
“Even maw’asu haboniym…” (The stone the builders rejected), recites Peter from the Hallel. He finishes this verse and then glances down to the following note in his ArtScroll Siddur:
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The stone the builders despised has become the cornerstone. This verse refers to David, who was rejected by his own father and brothers. When the prophet Samuel announced that one of Jesse’s sons was to be anointed king, no one even thought of summoning David, who was out with the sheep. Israel too is called [stone], for Israel is the cornerstone of God’s design for the world…But the builders, i.e., the rulers of the nations, despised the Jews…
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Peter sees an immediate and profound relationship between Israel and her Messiah. Both are rejected and despised. Israel is abhorred and rejected by the nations while her Messiah is the one abhorred and rejected by the nation [Israel]. His mind hearkens to Isaiah 49:7
כֹּה אָמַר-יְהוָה גֹּאֵל יִשְׂרָאֵל קְדוֹשׁוֹ, לִבְזֹה-נֶפֶשׁ לִמְתָעֵב גּוֹי
For says YHWH, Redeemer of Israel, his Holy One to [him] despised of the soul, to [him] abhorred by the nation…
Though this is a day of equalization—a day in which the visible signs of Peter’s status as a non-Jew are removed—he feels the weight of his difference. Though standing amongst the rejected nation who is called, “My servant, Israel,” he feels a sense of alienation. The sacrifices and commitments that he has displayed have not been met with the acceptance and open arms that he expected. Rather, Peter has found general coolness with respect to his conversion. This reality is startling, and acceptance of it creates a sense of estrangement or subtle dubiosity. He finds himself yearning for identification with the rejected Messiah.
The walk home is made pleasant with the earth’s redolent offerings released from their winter captivity. The waters are still contained behind the dam, but today’s revelation has strengthened the current.
3 comments:
Jamie had wondered if this would be a trilogy, or something like ROCKY. Apparently, more like ROCKY. We could call it.....TZURI.......
There are parallels besides the name. Sounds like you were ""fighting the good fight of faith," (1 Tim. 6:12) and maybe fighting back some tears at this point. Will the dam burst soon? Sounds like Someone was in your corner fighting for you. I wonder what happens next.
As Jamie would say, "Keep 'em coming!"
(Where are you, Jamie? We miss you.)
Hello Maureen!
Where is Jamie? I sure miss his kind spirited contributions to the forums.
There were people praying for me all throughout the conversion process. I am sure that God was trying to get to me.
I mention in this post that I did not experience the acceptance and open arms that I expected. There were a few counter examples, but most who knew that I was a conversion candidate showed more of a cold shoulder than open arms.
We experienced an important aspect of Jewish religiosity, and this was real eye opener for us. In our spiritual life, my wife and I always placed a heavy emphasis on personal conversion and one’s personal experience of God. In contrast to this emphasis, Jewish religiosity places a strong emphasis on descent, ethnicity, and culture. Sure, there are plenty of counter examples! In fact, the emphasis on personal religion in some of my favorite rabbinic authors (e.g, Bar Tzaddok and Hirsch) set me up all the more for the disappointment that they appear to defy the norm. This aspect of Jewish religiosity was very difficult to swallow due to the inconsistent measures that it fosters on the non-Jew who is trying to find God in [rabbinic] halakhah.
The incident that I describe in this post was a real watershed moment for me. My petering out of the conversion process happened quickly from this point despite a few weeks of wavering. I can recall giving serious contemplation to becoming a “secret believer,” but the catalyst against this route was the witness of Scripture against rabbinic authority. My brain is really having to stretch to make the next entries in this format. I may need to leave this 3rd person format in favor of a more dry, propositional approach. We’ll see.
Kol tuv,
Peter
You mention "the witness of Scripture against rabbinic authority". How do you interpret Jesus' saying of the rabbis in Matt 23:3, "You must obey them and do everything they tell you"?
Thank you.
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