Near Conversion, Part 2
Surprise? No, rather...astonishment.
Blood rushes to Peter’s face. Drops of sweat speckle across his forehead. It is obvious that he is ashamed. Rabbi A.’s words pierce Peter’s innermost as Peter thinks back to a lighter occasion when he ran into his rabbi during a weekday, and Rabbi A., with obvious levity, warned Peter, “If you do not start coming to shul, then I will send the men with the really really long peyos and the high stockings to bend your pinkies back until you come.” Rabbi A. had noticed Peter’s absence for about two weeks. “Did he know why all along?” Peter ponders.
Tonya arranged today's meeting with Rabbi A., and Peter agreed to come. Concerned with his recent acquisition of Michael Brown’s volume one of Answering Jewish Objections…, Tonya was having difficulty adjusting to an apparent paradigm shift in Peter’s thinking. “Peter’s buying of this book says a lot,” Tonya had reasoned. Prior to their move into the Orthodox community, the rabbis required that Peter dispose of all of his Christian and non-Orthodox Jewish books. According to the halakhah they are “avodah zarah” (literally “strange service” or idolatry). With zeal Peter burned every literary connection that he had with his Christian past. Sitting in front of the fireplace for the space of two days, Peter enjoyed watching as each book was consumed by the flames. Now, though, he has acquired a forbidden book.
Rabbi A. waves the book. He makes mockery of various aspects of the book’s cover and back page. “Why is this Jewish man facing the wall?” Rabbi A. asks, “What message does this tell the reader?” The book itself would have been embarrassing enough if it had not been for the bomb that Rabbi A. had just dropped. Peter had been discussing Yeshua in an online Messianic chat room. No one knew of this—not even Tonya. Peter does not bring this up, but finds himself startled when Rabbi A. asks him about it.
“Did he know all along? It’s only been a few—maybe just a couple—times. How did he know this?” Peter thinks to himself. He cannot deny it, he faces this reality—he can only hope that Rabbi A. does not know the full breadth of his discussions.
Tonya is equally surprised by this revelation. She is struggling with Peter’s rehashing of questions that they have already dealt with. The steps that they have taken to come this far and the entrenchment in the Orthodox community that they have quarried for themselves are both too much for Peter to suddenly change his mind. Now she learns from Rabbi A. that Peter has been discussing the taboo with Christians? Tonya is pregnant, living removed from family, caring for an infant, and climbing the uphill battle of socially connecting with the community. “How can he just up and undo all of our sacrifices that we have made?” Tonya worries to herself.
Rabbi A. graciously alters the tone of the conversation. He tells Peter that it is obvious that he is struggling with a psychological connection to the religion of his upbringing. Rabbi A. gives Peter the name and telephone number for an Orthodox psychiatrist whom he recommends to help Peter get through this “separation anxiety.” Surprisingly gracious and tolerant, Rabbi A. gives Peter the benefit of the doubt though not without a stern caution to not participate in any more online discussions.
The warm air carries an untimely scent of spring—a tease, no doubt, as it is only February. Peter and Tonya walk home, and both are startled by Rabbi A.’s awareness of Peter’s online activity. When Peter arrives home he writes Rabbi A. a letter. The letter reads:
___
Dear Rabbi A.,
I am sorry to have created such concern about my continued involvement with Christianity. I submit myself wholly to the authority of those who have gone before me. Sages more learned than me have rejected [Yeshua] on legitimate grounds, and I do not think that I am in any place to question their knowledge and authority. I desire to live a life pleasing to HaShem—a life in conformity to Torah.
Thank you for your patience with me as I go through this process. I only wish that I had not done this as I am ashamed of myself for jeopardizing my trust with you. Please forgive me for any hurt or disappointment that I may have brought to you.
Shalom,
Peter
___
The following day Peter will hand deliver this letter to Rabbi A. His rabbi will read it, offer a few words, and Peter will resume his participation in synagogue attendance. Peter brought Michael Brown’s book home with the intent to part with it. He places it in a drawer to burn later.
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5 comments:
So how did Rabbi A. know that you'd been on the Messianic bulletin board?
Hello Nate!
My chat room involvement is a question for which you will have to continue reading for answer. Or, you can email me privately. I will state, though, that I was not in a private Messianic bulletin board but an open, public chat room.
PeterS (Tzuriel)
Well, I am definetly anticipating part 3. Is this a trilogy, or is this going to be like Lethal Weapon or Rocky? Either way, keep 'em coming!
It your first segment it appears you are not comfortable with Christian practices that negate Torah, but there is no hint that you had left belief in Yeshua. I read the two parts with the wonder if perhaps you were converting to Orthodoxy to establish yourself as a Messianic Jew (desiring a physical lineage of sorts) and that you kept your faith in Yeshua quiet from the group. The second post then made me wonder if you were caught by the Orthodox in that they found out your secret.
Is this the case, or am I mis-reading, and did you in fact stop believing in Yeshua?
Sharon from TR
Hello Sharon,
You ask a very perceptive question. You have captured some of my mental gymnastics at the time. I was not planning on explicitly spelling this out through my 3rd-person autobiographic. Besides, that might not be the best venue. Let me try to do this justice here.
In my thinking belief in Yeshua was completely negotiable. That is, I rejected the idea that belief in Yeshua was a divine imperative or necessary for the forgiveness of sins. As a quick side, the negotiability of Yeshua vis-à-vis Torah observance often correlates with rejection of His divinity/deity, and this correlation proved positive in my thinking. In addition to negotiability, I also segregated “Yeshua” and “Jesus” in my thinking so that “Jesus” was a gentile idol and completely incongruous with the Pharisaic, Torah-observant, pro-halakhah Yeshua. I no longer make this distinction.
Allowing for both the negotiability of Yeshua and an artificial Yeshua-Jesus polarity opened me up to your next question. Was I trying to, basically, become a Jew? Yes! I wanted covenant membership, and the path of Orthodox geyrut was the only legitimate option in my thinking. I will elaborate more on this later. If I might borrow a phrase that you once used on the TR forum, in paraphrase:
“I was seeking to trust the short-arm of man to accomplish what God’s might right arm had already accomplished.”
More of this will be developed in latter entries.
At that time, if asked whether I believed in “Jesus,” I would offer a definite “No!” And, I would have probably answered the same about “Yeshua” because I considered Him entirely negotiable.
My greatest takeaway from this experience will be tucked in this theme.
Shalom,
PeterS (Tzuriel)
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